Hole

I want to expound:

I have a hole in my chest. I’ve had this hole for years and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s like this feeling that whatever I have is not enough – like I must do more. It is my curse. I’m never satisfied.

After I broke up with my ex 9 months ago (or 10) I didn’t feel much of anything. Now, two chicks later, I feel empty. I’ve met knew women but none fill that hole (we’ll call it the chick hole) – it’s like they have no substance – which makes me kind feel like I have to constantly keep looking. Last month I felt sorry for the things I did to her. This month I’m heated at the things she’s done to me. It’s times like these that I feel very empty but very very strong.

I’ve always thought I operate best when the heat is on. I’m very quick to cut pleasantries for the sake of necessities and I don’t really get shaken. I get nervous and scared like everyone else and I may yell and scream but anyone who really knows me knows that when the chips are down, I’m always thinking. The more pressure there is, the faster I think – it’s what makes me good in an emergency. I also think it’s the reason I have migraines and the gut of a fifty year old alcoholic.

In my personal life, the heat is on and that’s what I mean by feeling empty but strong. I could probably talk to hundred chicks right now and each would think I love them but in reality I just don’t care. Objective on the inside, a liar on the outside. It’s who I am and I accept it.

My hole is also manifesting itself in my professional life. I’ve had some major changes lately. I’ve just been offered more money then I’ve ever known. Anyone else would be happy as hell, and I’m talking to people like my mom and brother’s like I’m happy but really on the inside I’m ambivalent. I’m I just ungrateful. All I’m thinking about entering this new job is how im going to get out of it. The hole continues.

Well - enough of this deep shit – let’s get to some old fashion superficiality.

EVOLUTION

This blog will now change - it started as a poker blog but is now evolving into an exploration of things I want to think about. Which means:

Poker posts will continue when I play
I will be talking about the UFC
Random dates with Random chicks will continue
Political commentary will increase

Feel me (also, movie quotes will continue when I feel like it)

Why would I want to watch your ugly ass kids

So pure – there’s so many issues here that I just laughed. Buppies feeling it from their own people. White discrimination. This is great. Every once in a while I need to read articles like this so people can feel the reality of this world. And I ga-ron-tee that you just don’t get these kind of issues unless you live it. I will be explaining this to my white friends for some time.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/26/us/26nannies.html?hp&ex=1167195600&en=ad0817a8e64746c6&ei=5094&partner=homepage

***
I make the rules

Huh, I thought the Square Box went into the Square Hole?

SO let’s focus on others instead of myself today.. Are we ready for some work today.. let’s GO!!!!!!!!

I’ve got this homeboy – good friend who met this girl and things didn’t work out. We are going to explore why things didn’t work out because I just don’t get it.

His resume… 29, black, unmarried, college degree, good height (6 to 6’2) I don’t know heights, no kids, works as an advertising mid-management exec, owns a condo in the “to cool” Harlem area, lives alone. He’s got a game factor of about 8 out of ten (ten being Billy De and one being that dude at giants games who paint’s himself blue and walks around with no shirt on in 20 degree weather – yes he has no girl)

His personality is pretty tight – in that he’s not an ax murderer and will always pay for the date (old school) – and I think he’s funny.

Her resume.. Pretty hot, lightskined black attorney, seemed successful, works out, no kids, from the re-laid convos, seemed nice to talk to – def educated On paper, this looked like a match made in heaven so why did it turn to hell?

The Situation… So he cops the number at an “I’m black and I have a job function”. It’s a little rocky but he puts on the ill email game, let’s his personality shine and she bites. They go out to some hot shot spot and have dinner. Now, I wasn’t there but I got the lowdown later. He thought everything went smooth. They talked about substance, ate, had a few laughs, and (at least according to him) made a connection.

They go out on another date – same story, shit seems cool – convos good, he buys her some cake (then buys her mom cake, not sure why this happened but I think it made sense in the story he told me and he’s a nice guy so it’s not to far fetched). She takes the cake to her mom and her mom CALLS DUDE BACK TO THANK HIM. Now I don’t know about you but I don’t let me moms talk to NOBODY – I don’t give a fuck what the chick does. So he talks to the mom’s – talks to the girl and its all good. Sounds like Love and Basketball or Brownsugar is about to pop the fuck off. I start checking tux prices and inquiring about her friend’s Resumes – cause you know that’s all I care about – damn his happiness.

This is where shit get’s weird. After that she cut’s contact…totally. No calls, no return texts, nothing. My first instinct was that he did something at the dinners that pissed her off but when I thought about, I just don’t think so. He’s not the type to embellish shit. He would tell me if he fucked up even if it were embarrassing or made him look bad (there are no ego’s between us – or most of my boys now that I think about it) so if he tells me there was a connection I believe him. So… What made the match fail like it did? Was there no connection? Did she have a secret boyfriend? What are the possibilities here? Now I know sometimes things just don’t work but I’m a firm believer in that everything has a reason if we’re honest with ourselves. You know you didn’t like that nice dude cause he was corny or You know you were just going to be a jumpoff when he kept coming by at 2 am. But these facts just don’t make sense to me – especially when all I hear from my female homegirls is how god damn hard it is to find a good dude. “He’s got no ambition” “He doesn’t make enough” “He doesn’t take me out” “He’s nice but he’s corny” “He’s cool but he lives at home”. I hear it all day long. So if there’s no reason for this non-connection, when shit should have worked out perfectly, I’m about to lose faith in my prof sisters and head back to what I knew – golddiggers! At least with a good ghetto goldigging chick you know what to expect. Now that I’ve moved up to substantive women – I don’t know what the hell is going on. We all know how I study game – so any ideas?

*** They call me brother to the night.

Tell Them Why You Mad SON!!!!

****All correct spelling is now void on this post***

Let's review why I have not posted in a while and why my life is shit - I mean right now shit!!!!!!!

1. One of my best friends and clubbing partners is laid up for the next 10 months.
2. I have just learned I am lactoose intolerant
3. I now have IBS (generally a disgusting disease with no cur)
4. I need a new job - now dec, no hiring.
5. I need a new apartment - no money so no move
6. Got a new boss, he wants to give me the bullshit work - yes.
7. Have no money for poker, o and we love poker
8. Had a migraine last week - thew up on Houston street, fun!!!!
9. I'm currently fucking with two crazy bitches - what the fuck am I doing.
10. I'm not feeling my roster of potential bitches
11. ran into old friend - he said he saw old girlfriend dancing on a table and talking to mad dudes a the club - HEATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -

I don't give a fuck what you girls say - I am a cave man. No dude want to see his girl or x fucking with, talking to, or generally having fun with other men. We are territorial - it pisses me off. I want to lightsaber mutherfuckers right now. Yes I do my thing but damn if I don't keep it on the low. She knows we all hit the same I'm black with a degree from collage and a job parties so what the fuck. Logically, I'm wrong here but I don't give a fuck. Petty club willin out may commence but hey wait a minute, I don't have enough dough to do the bottle thing to attract superficial hoes. What about the of quality chicks you say, we're not trying to meet them right now.

Generally, I'm hoping some fucker tries to jack me so I can OD on his ass.

I'm NICE SON!!!

Has crazy shit been happening - yes Am I going to write about - no - why you ask, I have no god damn time. Driz in the hospital, getting a phone thrown at my some crazy chick, and blacking out from bottling it up at the club has taken its toll. Yet with the death a saddam, the impending democratic victory, and a job interview all I can think of is...

Damn I know my TV... Please check my picks from like a month ago (I have no idea how to link) then read the article below.

New TV season produces jackpots -- and busts


POSTED: 1:27 p.m. EST, November 6, 2006
var clickExpire = "12/6/2006";
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NEW YORK (AP) -- Ray Liotta and Virginia Madsen aren't TV stars, but Tawny Cypress and America Ferrera are. Ordinary people with extraordinary powers are interesting. Hostage dramas? Boring! Stephen McPherson's big gamble paid off, Aaron Sorkin's hasn't and we're still looking for laughs.
More than a month into a new prime-time television season, and some lessons are starting to emerge. As is often the case, many buck conventional wisdom.
"The shows that the networks were highest on creatively were not the shows that people flocked to," said Jeff Bader, head of scheduling at ABC.
Witness NBC on Monday nights: Creator Sorkin's much-anticipated return to TV, "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," studded with stars like Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford and Amanda Peet, is struggling to hang on. "Heroes," littered with unknowns like Cypress, is a hit. The last time they ran back-to-back, the "Heroes" audience was nearly twice as big.
ABC scheduled Ferrera's "Ugly Betty" for the television graveyard of Friday nights until, sensing a buzz, the network switched it to Thursdays. It instantly became ABC's biggest new hit of the season.
Meanwhile, despite pundits predicting the nuclear catastrophe drama "Jericho" would be a bomb itself, it's been a pleasant surprise for CBS.
The CBS crime drama "Smith" figured to be a strong candidate for success with names like Liotta and Madsen. Instead, it was gone before the leaves had started falling in most parts of the country.
Even for a business accustomed to more failure than success, to have only three modest new-season hits is something of a letdown for many in the television business.
"There were higher expectations because there was a perception -- true to a certain extent, I think -- that the quality of the (new) programming was better than it had been in a while," said Preston Beckman, chief scheduling executive at Fox.
He found many of the pilots almost cinematic in quality. That also may have been their downfall: some concepts seemed like they'd make a good film but weren't necessarily TV shows that people would want to return to each week, he said.
Even with "24" on vacation until January, the airwaves were choked with cliffhangers like "Standoff," "Vanished" and "Runaway." NBC's now-departed "Kidnapped" required squeamish viewers to check in on the progress of saving a child in danger.
Other shows were simply too difficult to grasp. ABC is concerned that viewers have wrongly pegged "The Nine" as a hostage drama when it's really about relationships. And what exactly is "Six Degrees" about, anyway?
"There are reasons why people watch television shows instead of a movie," Beckman said, "and that's where we fell down a little bit."
'Your brain just hurts'
Hits like "Lost" require an intense commitment by fans to keep up with a convoluted story. Many in TV believe that too many new series this year asked too much of viewers who simply weren't willing to give the time. ABC's Bader thinks the success of "Heroes" and "Ugly Betty," both ongoing stories, contradicts that premise.
Either way, there's only so much time and a lot of TV in this multi-channel universe.
"Your brain just hurts," said Mitch Metcalf, NBC's chief scheduler. "Just try and scroll through your electronic guide (with its) sheer number of choices, and good choices. It's frustrating as a programmer and I'm sure it's frustrating for viewers."
Since television is the most reactive of mediums, expect the response to be development of more self-contained shows that don't keep story strings untied from week to week. Also, "next year there will be a lot of 'Grey's Anatomy' rip-offs," Beckman said.
Dr. McDreamy and the gang have settled in as television's new kings and queens, all the more remarkable because it moved to a new night opposite the powerhouse "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation." The two shows have been topping the Nielsens all season. ABC entertainment chief McPherson's move is paying off handsomely. Coupled with the success of "Ugly Betty" before it, ABC is suddenly a major player on Thursday, the most lucrative advertising night of the week.
It's the most significant and successful switch of a network time slot since CBS moved "Survivor" to Thursdays in January 2001.
Heading into November, network executives are in the midst of one of the more agonizing parts of their job, trying to decide if new series with middling ratings are worth holding on to in the hope an audience will find them, or if it's better to cut their losses and run. That's what NBC faces now with "Studio 60," for example.
CBS' "Criminal Minds" illustrates how patience can pay off. It has blossomed into a Top 10 hit in its sophomore season, coming close to beating ABC's "Lost" in the same time slot.
Prime-time TV's comedy slump has continued this fall. Even with a limited number of new comedies premiering -- ABC put off its "Knights of Prosperity" until January -- nothing has caught on. Within the past week, NBC has decided to bunch its best four sitcoms on Thursday, much like CBS does with Monday.
"You worry that (viewers) will lose the habit of looking for comedies on TV, which would be sad and I hope that we never get there," said Kelly Kahl, CBS' chief scheduling executive. "But, quite frankly, we need to do a better job of getting people to laugh."
Steady CBS remains the nation's most popular network. ABC expected to lose viewers when it lost "Monday Night Football," but it hasn't, and is doing particularly well among its targeted young demographic. NBC is pleased with "Heroes," but Metcalf will have a lot of holes to fill when football ends in January. Fox's real season doesn't begin until "American Idol" and "24" debut this winter but even by those standards it's been a dismal fall for the network. The new CW and My Network TV are looking for viewers wherever they can be found.
"I don't think there's a real game-changer that I've seen so far, which tends to favor us," Kahl said.

I mean some things a good Christian wouldn’t say…

So, now that I’m free from the girl who took my mid twenties from me, I’m been blazing this new chick. Now this chick is pretty fly and she is top 3 on the list of best sex I’ve ever had. HOWEVER, she is def. not making the grade. I’ll write in the future about the difference between a jumpoff and a wife piece (or as I like to put it an of quality chick and a grimy chick) but for now I’m going to focus on one aspect of our sexual relationship that troubles me.

Goddamn this chick talks a lot when we blaze. I’m the type of guy that likes to cater to my crowd. I mean, I’m def going to nut sooner or later so why not make sure she does so I can hit it again. So I’ve experienced the type of chick that likes to be dominated before (you know, shit talking, ass smacking, hair pulling…). You would be surprised how many chicks like that shit or how many guys don’t do it right and end up taking it too far (I have a lot of friends). So when this chick started talking about “I want you to fuck me. I want you to cum in my mouth daddy” I wasn’t turned off but I wasn’t turned on either. I just did it. Like a woman faking it, I knew what she wanted and tried to become that guy. Like I said, I’ve done it before.

The difference here is what she’s saying. I mean some of it kind of freaks me out. Let me give you a taste:

3 comments I’ve heard this month

I love you! - You’ve only known me 3 months and half that time you were at the club with your girls. You’ve never been to my crib and don’t know what college I went too. Why am I being told this now.

Will you give me a baby in 3 years? – Now this is just weird. Granted she’s in her 30’s and I’m in my twenties but come on man. I’m from a neighborhood where some good hood chick friends of mine have tried to put babies on dudes. This is like a red flag to me in soccer (penalty, no dick for you for the next two weeks).

Fuck that bitch that couldn’t give you what you need! I wish she was here watching me fuck you. – OK wait I have to think about this because I almost got turned on writing it, Jus kidding! Seriously, I may have broken up with, lets call her the girl, and we don’t talk, and I think she hates me, but she’s still a thousand times better that this chick. I almost stopped dicking it down to step to her like “what’d you say bitch? What?!”. Maybe its just my loyalty thing coming back again.

Anyways, I’m used to a little wild talk like fuck me daddy or smack my ass but damn isn’t there a line that shouldn’t be crossed. That being said…I’ll probably be watching porn and taking notes for next week.

***
(Denzel) So where you from, England?

Crazytown

I don’t know, I found this hilarious. Anyone reading past entries here in queensdom knows already that I’ve been tricked into watching Prison Break. If you have a brother, YOU. WILL. BE. CAUGHT. Period. It was made for anyone those that has experienced that brother/brother relationship. Now, I am not gay (I repeat I AM NOT GAY – Except on Tuesday’s and sometimes on President’s day) but that white boy they got is THE next heartthrob. But besides me wanting to blaze him in the ass (just kidding, no down low emails please) he’s got real intense eyes and I love how he and Link look like versions of each other. I read this on EW and started to die laughing… I live in Crazytown!! I’m a permanent fucking resident.

"When Mahone told Tweener that a murderous escapee caused him to completely "break from reality," I finally realized how dangerous he might be in later episodes — but I didn't expect him to be dangerous in this episode. Earlier this season, Mahone seemed crazy in the kind of way you'd want an FBI guy to be crazy — hyperintelligent and obsessed with his job — not fresh off the train from Crazytown crazy. (I can already see him screaming, "Where are the bodies? Where are the bodies?" to some confused innocent bystanders.)"

***
I’ll show you how Tommy Brown gets down.

King of Scotland (WTF)

I'm not really feeling this guy. My instinct is we should have killed him - he was hurting the people (my black brothers) and I don't feel that however, as I think about it, does that thinking just justify Iraq (AKA the stupidist war possible). Perhaps we should have forced his arrest and tried him for crimes against humanity when the Saudis were protecting him. I like that idea as long as it ends up in the death penalty after 7 days of torture.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idi_Amin

Smith is a really good show, i suggest you all take a peak. Ditto for Jericho though that's proabably more generic. Can't wait for Lost and Battlestar - ya I said it.

You know you need poker when you have dreams of raising Doyle and Slim when you hit your boat. Ya I said that too

***
We're gonna die.

Gallactica and Whore Houses - what a mix or I'm the real captain save a ho

So I’m the only one that watches this… I’m telling you the secret to good sci fi is to get as far away as you can from nerdy shit and focus on human interactions that people can recognize with. I’ve been a Gallactica fan from gate because they do this so well (forget the fact that I’m a closet nerd).
http://www.ew.com/ew/report/0,6115,1537626_3_0_,00.html

Reading this article led me to one on Lost
http://www.ew.com/ew/report/0,6115,1538430_3_0_,00.html

I love Jack and my dick get’s hard when Sayid tortures people. Although every time I see Eko all I really see is annabesse

So, this stripper who worked my friend’s bachelor party that I set up left her cds at the hotel room (after she performed whatever indescribable acts I paid for her to perform on the impending groom). This is a long story that I won’t get into but let’s just say the night ended with me passed out the streets of DC parked in a semi-crashed car telling lies to my friends about being in an ambulance. There was also an illegal speakeasy, a whore house, and a near John experience involved (pimps up ho’s down kind of night). Let’s focus on the cds.

After we left that god damn city (I hate it there) she called my boy and asked him to give her cds back. Now everyone I know says the story should end there, but it didn’t. Again I will not go into details but let’s just say I got the cds from the negro train and held them for her. After 2 months of missing each other (her trying to come the NY and me saying no because, well, that bitch wasn’t staying with me and her missing me in DC when I made a repeat trip) I finally caught up with her this weekend. I took another trip down there and went through some considerable trouble to give her back her shit. My question to you world is…

Should I have even picked up the phone. I mean, they are just cds, she couldn’t find me, and all the males I know said some variation of “fuck that bitch”. Was I wrong to go through the trouble to get it back for her. I feel like it was one of those good deeds that can bite you in the ass (like I go to drop them off and I get stuck up for my trouble). In the end everything worked out but my boy is a little mad at me for letting it get this far. I don’t know, I feel like I didn’t do a good thing or a bad thing, just a thing that cost me a little inconvenience. Should I have just charged it to the game and kept them shits.. I don’t want to hear from any goody goody just normal street cats who understand the save a ho move I just pulled. If you don’t know what that means – just move on.

***
(Guest J Quote – describing his boy)
If something pops off a the club someone’s gonna get bloody and it aint him

(Guest TV quote)
Omar coming, Omar coming,
Omar movin

(back to norm)
The sleeper has awaken